Dear Noah

I enjoyed the other day going to the library with you when you had the day off from school.  I liked your independence is getting to the library.  I liked how you took your time to find two books that you wanted.  I liked how you read the books quickly.

You got two Ninja Meerkat books.

And you have been reading other books lately for enjoyment.

Your grades in school lately have not been great.  And I know that you have been frustrated.  You have told me that the teachers aren’t teaching you.  And that you are being graded on stuff that you haven’t yet learned.  I understand this.

But I also think you need to work harder.  I think you will become a better reader and writer if you keep reading for enjoyment.  And I think you will continue to advance in math and science if you keep doing practice problems.

At the dinner table tonight, you were so proud of yourself to tell me that Liz taught you division!  And I gave you some simple division problems and you nailed them.  And you made up some multiplication problems and got them right, too.

I am less concerned with the grades as I am with you learning the concepts.  And with you having the right attitude and enthusiasm for learning.  I was very sad last week seeing you cry as I went over your graded papers with you.  I am not disappointed in you.  I love you.

Keep working hard.  And continue to be enthusiastic about learning.  I am here for you … always

Love
Dad

I had oral surgery this morning.  My jaw bone was drilled into and two implants were screwed into the bone.  It has made for an uncomfortable day.  And a few more ahead.  But it has allowed me also some time to stop and think.  And I get a chance to think about some of the things that I am grateful for.

I have a beautiful wife.  I was thinking yesterday that I hope my wife finds something that she wants to pursue and she takes ownership and enjoys it.  I was worried that she was not feeling empowered.  When I got home yesterday, I walked in to find that Marcia had started painting the front room.  Awesome.  It made me really happy.  I am not exactly sure why.  I think because I felt like Marcia felt comfortable just doing it.  And I felt great for her.  And I was really appreciative that she had started painting the room.

Marcia wanted to host a dinner at our house next week.  The house is in complete disarray.  But she wanted to host it.  I am so glad that she has something that she wants for herself, and she is doing it.  I love her.

I have kids who are rather conscientious.  They are hard-working.  They are rather athletic.  In some cases, very athletic.  They are kind and sensitive.  They are healthy.  They are smart.  They are developing work ethic.  They are supportive of each other.  They say, “Thank you.”  They respect adults.  I believe they are very good looking kids.

I am grateful that there are a lot of things that we are able to provide for our kids.  We are able to put our oldest girls in private school.  We live in a decent neighborhood.  Our kids all play sports.  Some of our girls are in dance classes.  We go on a vacation each year to the beach.  Last year, we were able to go skiing as a family.

I have two loving parents.  They will do anything for us.  And they do a ton for us and our kids.  I am grateful that we live right down the street from them.

I am grateful that we have taught our kids to say, “Thank you.”  They thank their coaches.  They thank their teachers.

I am grateful that all of our kids have different personalities.  They have different strengths.  They have different challenges.  They have different natural abilities.  They have different desires.

I am grateful for all of the gifts I have had in my life.  I was smart and talented.  And I had rich life experiences along the way.

Following a post I wrote a few weeks ago, I am writing the lessons that I would like for my future child to learn.  This is an exercise from a book I am reading, Changing the Game.  This list is not perfect, but here are some of the lessons that I wrote down as part of my exercise:

Struggle – I would like for my child to struggle.  And to overcome the struggle in sports, where the stakes are not nearly as high as in other aspects of life.  I do not want everything to come easy to my child.  He will learn from overcoming struggles and failures, and keep moving forward.  I want to prepare my child for the road, not prepare the road for my child.

Hard work pays off – I would like for my child to learn that the harder she works to prepare for something, the more “luck” she will have.  I put luck in quotes, because it is not luck.  She will put herself in position to have more opportunities for success.

No limit to what you can achieve – I would like for my child to learn that he can always push himself harder.  He can always get better.  I do not want him to settle in life.  I want him to keep attempting to attain something higher.

Lead – I would like for my child to learn to lead.  I would like for her to believe in herself and lead by example.  I would like for her to learn to pick others up when they are doubting themselves or “the team.”  My child will be faced with adversity in life.  That adversity may deal with relationships, with family, or with the workplace.  I would like for my child to be equipped to lead her family (or her coworkers or her employees) through hard times.

Humility – I would like for my child to learn to be humble.  I would like for my child to learn to handle individual success with humility.  I would like for them to find success and learn how not to brag and not to show off.  I would like for them to learn to share their individual success with others.

Teamwork – I would like for my child to learn to be part of a team.  I would like for him to have team goals.  I would like him to work together with others to achieve something.  I would like for my child to learn that you can accomplish more with others than you can on your own.

Independent thinking – I would like for my child to develop into an independent thinker.  I would like for him to learn to take ownership of his actions.  And for him to understand that he is responsible for his actions.  He should feel the pressure and gravity of the situation and understand that the outcomes depend on his actions.  I would like for him to learn to focus in these situations, as he will be faced with many pressure or stressful situations in his life, and he will need to think for himself.

Self-worth – I would like for my child to learn that her self-worth is innate.  Her success can only be judged by her, not by her coaches, her parents or her peers.  Their opinions do not matter.  All that matters is her own opinion of herself.  And she has to recognize that she has value, regardless of what anyone else in life tells her.  I want her to be self-confident and believe in herself at all times.

Friendship – I would like for my child to learn to be a friend.  Relationships are so important in life.  And sports teams are great opportunities for children to learn to make and develop deep relationships with others.

Joy – I would like for my child to learn to find the joy in what she is doing.

I ran the race yesterday with Liz and Bear.  Well, it is most accurate to say that I started the race with Liz and Bear.  Liz started at a blistering pace of roughly 8 minute miles.  I kept up for the first three miles, and then couldn’t keep pace.  I fell behind.

I saw them at around 5 miles in, but then did not see them again the rest of the race.  While running is a solitary sport, I do enjoy running with others more than by myself.  I was very disappointed in myself that I did not keep up, and that I did not push myself harder.  I do believe that I could have and should have run harder.

But, my own struggles only give me a deeper appreciation for Elizabeth’s determination.  She continues to amaze and impress me with her determination when faced with a challenge.  I am very proud of her.

I am reading Changing the Game. In this book, one of the exercises is to envision your future child. The goal is to envision the values and the lessons that you want your child to develop as they mature into an adult. And, with this vision, it should become clearer for the parent to map out how to help their child achieve that vision. As part of this exercise, the book asks you to List the core values that you want your child to possess as an adult. I thought this would be an easy exercise. I penned Honesty and Integrity without blinking. And my mind started flowing for a while. This is a great exercise, and got me to really think about not only what my values are, but what I hope my children possess as values when they are adults.

My list is not perfect of course, and may be different than the values that my children, as they develop as independent thinkers, may choose for themselves. But here is the imperfect list that I came up with today:

• Honesty
• Integrity
• Humility
• Industriousness
• Empathy
• Self-confidence
• Selflessness
• Enthusiasm
• Determination
• Love

Honesty – Above all, I want my children to value honesty.  I want them to be true to themselves and to others.  If they are honest with their thoughts, and strive to be honest with their actions, their conscience will guide them through difficult decisions when they need to make courageous and unpopular choices.

Integrity – Integrity is how you act when you think no one is looking.  I want my children to know that it doesn’t matter who is looking.  For they will always know what they have done.  It does not matter to me what reputation my children possess.  Reputation is what others perceive you to be.  Character is who you are.  And I would like for my children to be men or women of integrity.

Humility – My grandfather was fond of the poem, ‘Gunga Din’.  Gunga Din was a water boy in the war.  A humble man.  I never want my children to think they are less than anyone else.  But I also want them never to believe that anyone else is better than them.  John Wooden had a phrase, “You’re no better than anybody else; and nobody is better than you”.  A humble person may achieve greatness, but will never make someone else feel lesser by how he acts about his achievements.

Industriousness – There is no substitute for hard work.  It is one of the cornerstones of John Wooden’s Pyramid of Success.  Everything worthwhile is difficult.  I hope for my children that they grow with an understanding of hard work.  And an understanding that they will not achieve success unless they are willing to work for it.  And that lesson applies to everything in life – their career, their marriage, their family, their athletic achievements, and their legacy.

Empathy – I want for my children to grow to be caring adults.  I want them to place great importance on the needs of others.  I want for them to understand others’ perspectives, their plights, their beliefs, and their values.  In this understanding, they will act out of empathy.  They will be able to put themselves in others’ positions, and not pass judgment.

Self-confidence – I want my children to grow into great adults.  I want them to have confidence in themselves.  I want them to trust in their beliefs.  I want them to trust their feelings.  I want them to stand up for their self-worth.  And I want them to use this inner strength and courage to stand up when they believe they should.

Selflessness – I want my children to put the needs of their spouses and their children above their own needs.  I think they will truly find joy if they give what they have in service to others.  It comes back in joy tenfold, but that is not the motivation, and won’t be the motivation of my children.

Enthusiasm – I want my children to love life.  I want them to have the courage to follow their dreams.  To have initiative, and love what they are doing.  Enthusiasm is infectious, and they will develop great leadership qualities if they learn to love their life.

Determination – I want my children to become adults that strive for greatness.  I want them to have goals.  And I want them to understand that there will be many obstacles.  They will need determination in order to overcome the many roadblocks in their path.  So many of our dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable.  –Christopher Reeve   Dreams will remain just that unless you are determined to make them come true.

Love – Above all else, I want my children to be adults who love.

A bell is not a bell until you ring it.
A song is not a song until you sing it.
Love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay;
Love isn’t love until you give it away!

I have made my imperfect list.  I am recording it because I will probably reflect on this later in life and realize that my values have changed.  Or maybe I will reflect and be reminded that I have strayed from the values that I hold dear.  Or maybe one day I will share this list with my children, and will have helped them to grow and believe in these same values.  At any rate, I am grateful to have had the time to reflect on these values and to pen them.