I’m a dad.  Can’t say I’m the best dad.  Can’t say I’ve made all the right decisions.  I used to be pretty proud of the job that I do.  I am certainly proud that it is my job to do.  I love my kids.  I do what I think is best.

Kennedy family - Bethany 2010

But sometimes, I am not sure what is best.  I am not sure that I know what I am doing.  Sometimes we have to make decisions that will affect our children’s entire lives.  And we don’t have the time to ask them what they want us to do.  It’s got to be our choice as parents.  But what do we tell them?  What do we tell our other children?

I think back on my childhood, on my parents’ decisions.  How they raised me.  What they decided for me.  Are there things they didn’t tell me about?  Are there decisions that they made for me?  Maybe that I wish they had made differently, or maybe they made the right decisions.

Now, back to me.  I need to trust my instincts more as a father.  I have made mistakes.  I have not been persistent enough sometimes with things like school, when I thought I knew what was best for my kids.  And I let people in authority roles make decisions for my kids.  I am still not happy with those decisions.

When you find out that your newborn son is probably going to need surgery, and needs to meet with specialists, you need to trust your instincts.  And that is what I’m doing.  I still don’t know that I am making the right decisions.  But, I’m trusting my instincts.  And I’m proud of my actions.

I don’t actually know if I’ll ever talk to Luke about it, but I will do all in my power for him.  He is special.  He is my son.  And he deserves the world.  I’ll do my best to give it to him.  And all our other kids.  Nothing else really matters.

I was fortunate enough to be have a rather well-rounded upbringing.  There wasn’t too much that I wanted for, especially in terms of material things.  My father was raised much differently.  His family had very little money, but his life was filled with love and family.  And he spent much of his youth on the water, the Chesapeake Bay.  His family shared a small house on a creek.  My grandfather shared the home with my grandmother’s brothers.  There were 4 families in all that used the house.  I have pictures of my grandfather building 4 separate kitchens for the house.

Grandpop during the building of the 4 kitchens at Brodken Manor

Anyway, my father spent all of his summers on this creek, with his siblings and cousins.  He knew a lot about the water.  When I was a child, he started a seafood business.  He called it Captain Kennedy’s.  He had 4 different boats during my childhood.  He had 3 beachfront houses in South Bethany, and owned almost 20 rental properties all told.  He did his best to teach us about the water.  We fished on the surf, learned how to run trot lines, and crab pots.

When my father lost it all, he never really got over it.  When I had kids, he was never able to teach them about the water the way that he taught us.  For the last several years, he has worked his ass off to take us, and his grandkids, to the beach.  He has spared no expense to take us to South Bethany.  But, he no longer has a boat, and hasn’t been fishing or crabbing in years.

I can’t imagine how much it has stung him that my brother’s in-laws have bought a property in South Bethany and have 2 boats.  And they have been showing my father’s grandkids about the water and crabbing.

Last week, though, if only for a moment, none of that mattered.  Captain Kennedy took us out on George’s in-laws’ pontoon boat.  He bought bait.  He bought a minnow trap.  He showed his grandkids, all of them, how to bait a trap.

Captain Kennedy baits the crab pot

With the wind in his hair, Captain Kennedy was right at home.

Captain Kennedy mans the helm

And it didn’t matter to any of the kids who owned the boat.  Really.  They won’t remember that detail.  But they will remember a great trip with their Pop Pop.

Today, Elizabeth was accepted into the Bethesda lacrosse fall ball program.  We have also been trying to get her registered into the Catonsville field hockey program.  Field hockey was short coaches, and was turning away players.  I volunteered to coach, but now they don’t want new coaches either.  Clusterfuck.

But that is just an aside.  Elizabeth signing up for more lacrosse just reminds me that I should mention just how determined she is.  I coached Elizabeth in Hero’s summer league this year.  I picked the team based on how well girls played during Tykers in the spring.  In picking the team, and as Elizabeth’s father, I just wasn’t sure how Elizabeth would fare with the other girls.  Boy did she exceed any expectations Marcia and I could have had for her!

Dancing the sideline for a ground ball

She worked as hard as any other girl out there. In fact, most girls complained about being hot or about their positions (I want to play attack, I want to play defense).  They dogged it on ground balls.  Not Elizabeth.  She never quit on any play.  I couldn’t believe just how competitive she was, how she never gave up, and how much she worked to get better every week.  By the last few games of the season, she was running first midfield.  When we needed a few goals, we would put Elizabeth, Mackenzie and Abby out on the field, and they would deliver every time.

Elizabeth on the blocks

Another case in point: swim team.  We signed her up for swim team at the beginning of the summer.  She didn’t know how to swim.  But she worked at it.  When we were at the pool for fun, she would practice her back stroke.  Marcia got her some private lessons.  She practiced.  Her time improved every week!  She worked really hard each and every time, and she was very proud of herself when she would win heats.  She got to the point where she was posting times similar to girls who have been doing swim team for 3 years or so.

Liz works hard at everything she does.  She works hard at school.  She works hard at sports.  She cleans when she is asked to clean.  She goes running with me when I ask her to.  The other day, she learned how to ride a bike, wouldn’t quit til she got it.

Our determined little girl starts 3rd grade in a couple of weeks.  They say the curriculum is a huge step up.  As competitive as she is, and as hard as she works, I don’t think we have anything to worry about.

I do worry sometimes that she pushes herself too hard.  I know I did as a child, and it caused me a lot of stress in my childhood and adolescent years.  I hope that Elizabeth does not burn herself out the way that her father did.  But, hopefully, we will provide a supportive and nurturing family so that she always feels supported.

33: The immortal number of one Eddie Murray.  The age my mother claimed as her age for nearly a decade.  The street where Memorial Stadium once stood; I spent countless childhood nights waiting on 33rd street for autographs after ball games.  The street that now is across from my workplace, the Eisenhower Library.

Oh yeah, and my age as of today.

That’s right, it’s my birthday.  And I’m celebrating all right.  Marcia made a nice dinner for all of us and baked a cake.  And she bought me a new watch… I haven’t had a watch since before I worked at Duke, been a long time.  I’m so excited!

I can’t really put into words how I felt when I crossed the threshold to my house tonight.  Noah opened the door and wished me a happy birthday with no prompting!  (Then he told me what they got me for my birthday.  I pretended not to hear that last part.)  The watch is really nice.  The best part, I no longer need to take my cell phone out of my pocket to see what time it is, hard to do so inconspicuously.

I had a long day today.  For no particular reason, really, but I was just in a funk.  And was really tired.  So, when I finally arrived at home, it was a real relief.

Tomorrow I have to go back to work again.  Probably another long day.  And a lacrosse game tomorrow night, playoffs.  My nerves will probably get the best of me tomorrow, like they always do on game days, regardless of the level of competition.

But tonight, as I crash on my pillow in a few minutes, all will be right with the world.

I love you, babe, thanks for a great birthday!